Monday, March 15, 2010

Anger is My Friend?

At one point in time a little birdie told me it had been suggested I am a very angry person. No shit. However, I was still somewhat offended. I think what offended was the suggestion I should not be angry. I still find this baffling. Don't get me wrong, every once in awhile I try to give myself a good pep talk about positive thought and attitude and how there really truly are people who are much worse off then I am. Then I find out that either my husband can't collect EI or the phone company is threatening to cut off service by the end of the month or my daycare is closing. It becomes difficult to find the up-side.

I'm generally a cynic. A pessimist. A realist. All of the above. As I've said before I'm okay with that, most of the time. This statement about my anger had me questioning who I am. I had some people tell me not to change. My husband was one of them. Apparently he finds rage charming. Although maybe not all of the time, heh heh. Co-workers, well the ones I call friends, say the same. My mother didn't suggest I shouldn't change but validated my anger. Lucky for her. Just kidding. Kind of.

I have been impatient since Day One. Bitterness has come with age. I don't mind anger but I dislike bitter. Bitter is not nice to be around. Bitter is not funny. Bitter is self-pity in disguise. And that is a fact. I've been doing a lot of feeling sorry for myself. I'm trying to quit. I'm trying to focus on positive things. I'm trying to maintain a semblance of control over my life and learning there are certain things I can't control. And that's the hard part. I crave control. In the past four months though, I've really had to face sometimes, life is out of my control.

Bottom line is, if you find me angry, I can't promise that will ever change. If you find me bitter, I'm working on it. If you find me at all interesting or entertaining, thank you. However, if you do not find me or this blog entertaining or interesting; if you take offense to the language used, you should probably stop reading now. I've been trying to curtail some of the language recently but it is a big part of the way I speak, sophisticated or not, so it will remain a part of this blog, as I see fit.

In the meantime: "chin up", "the sun will come out tomorrow", there's always a "silver lining" and all that jazz.

See, I'm getting better already...

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